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when the motivation to study flees in flighty terror from me,

i wander thru cyberspace and read other people' s blogs. Some of my friends (and their friends) are the most erudite, eloquent young people i know.

reading their fluid prose then makes me want to write a post, so here's my ersatz rubbish.

theage melbourne magazine..i'm prone to inward displays of bitter green evny, so i pretty much turned into a shiny bright emerald reading the 'stories' of Melbourne's yuppies and gawping over their gorgeously expansive penthouse pads.

I really didn't realize how interesting this city is until i read this magazine... from this glossy, you'd think that Melbourne is one big glittering wealthy dome of brand-name consumerism by good-looking, cultured young professionals who have an endless array of cosmopolitan eateries at which they can sate their sophisticated palates. No wonder livid readers wrote in to berate The Age on its somewhat superficial coverage of the city. There are those who live on less than $100,000 a month. Surprise surprise.

well, at least it's positive promotion right? Beguiling world travellers with its enticing shots of the upper-class inner sanctum into thinking that Melbourne is really that contemporary and fascinating.

More visitors --> more consumption --> more local income --> even more local income through the multiplier effect --> Lilian realizing that she has actually remembered something from 12 weeks of macro by the entertaning Nilss Olekalns. WoW. I'm amazed.

i feel sated now

On projective tests

we were doing a psych prac on personality tests today, there's one called a TAT where examinees are asked to look at an image and write a story about it. You're supposed to write whatever comes into your head.

Here's the unedited nonsensical cliche i derived from a B&W photo of a boy sitting in the doorway of a timber building

S***house. But really, it's actually a cavernous house. The boy once had a happy family, but his dad just drove off one day, leaving the little boy waiting, waiting, waiting. The house was once comfortably rustic, full of the material possessions a boy in his time could ever hope for.
It had hand-carved toys that the boy's father carefully, meticulously, lovingly made for his son.

One day, the widower father (his wife died after a long labour giving birth to the young boy) found a woman.

She had been kind & gentle, but as their marriage went on, she began to resent the boy for the influence and joy he brought to his father. She began to poison her husband against the boy, injuring herself and blaming him until the father began to withdraw in fear.

The boy will die here, his skeleton forever perched in the doorway.


Obviously, what comes into my head isn't necessarily representative of my normal self, or so I'd like to think. At least i don't usually swear. The first word came to mind because the building in the photo reminded me of this place we visited in Ballarat that had the same elegantly flattering label on it. The other one we did, about some missionary girl, is much 'nicer' and happier a story.

Still, other people had rape in their vignettes, so I'm really not dark at all.

My tutor heard this story, and said that psychoanalysts would have a field day with me. heehee...

how the?

i really don't understand it.
it confounds me, truly.

I just don't understand how 2 people can be married for 20 years and still enjoy and look forward to seeing each other, every day.

To quote from the enthusiastic bird-man Rove...."WHAT THE...??"

Maybe it's cos i've only just turned 19,
I'm fickle,
I change my mind every second
I don't know what I want, only what i'm pretty sure i don't want

They're my parents!! Which makes it all the more *whoooooaa*... it's easy to put on a glossed-over romantic facade in front of acquaintances, but i see these two every day, and they bicker and grumble but (or should it be 'and'?) they're still very much in love...like, giddy happy devoted committed loving love. They can argue about the most stupidest and inanest of things..like who's been to more of the outlying islands in HK:

M: I've been to ones that are used just for rehabilitating druggies! I'm pretty sure YOU haven't been to them!
B: pffft...I've been to remote ones that No Other People have gone to! I'm from the Housing Department..how could you POSSIBLY have been to more islands than me??

It was actually much more absurd than that..I just can't bring out the hilarity of two adults sniping at each other about the number of non-map-registering teensy little islets they've visited. Needless to say, I was clutching my stomach laughing mockingly at their ultra-seriousness on this Very Important Matter.

They ignored my bemused amused cackles.

God, if i could just find someone to argue like that with.

even u have gone

he does
he does
he does
he does

he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does he does!

i was deluding myself, hoping against hopelessness that he doesn't. But he does. How? Why? When?

When did you fall under?
Why do you not realize the damage this could do to your own health and that of others' spirit?

Big fat despairing uncertain sigh.

following the example of Bible-thumping Henry...

...I will quote from Ephesians 4:

29 Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.
31 Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk.
32 Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you
Quoted online from The Message at Bible Gateway

I read this during devotions today...sitting on the rooftop, my back to the setting orb of the sun, my hair illuminated into a Touched-By-An-Angel-esque shimmer, a warm-cool breeze blowing as I balanced my Bible and booklet in my lap. Sam and Sarah's laughter drifting softly, sporadically from the lawn below

Sounds like a nice, cheesily romantic scene huh? Now zoom in:

the roof tiles are covered with a reddish-greyish dirt that smears itself uninvitingly on my fingertips,
the little booklet has already disobeyed the clench of my thighs and flew halfway down, forcing me to stamp down its rebellion with my foot and covering its edges with that dust
my backpack and my Tommy pants,
I'm terrified of falling and paralyzing myself, so I'm actually feeling quite tense, and the sun feels like it's starting to grille my back to a nice crisp.

ANYway...pulling myself back from my meanderings...I guess I have a lot of latent vitriol in me, just waiting to burst through my happy-cheery surface, as it obviously does on this blog.

And God has such a great sense of humour, it seems as if every time I spew something nasty here, He shoves it right in my face the very next day with a reminder to rein in my sharp-worded impulsivity, and to only say things that will build up and edify others.

All I can say is, I'm glad I have this site to vent on. Otherwise, I think everyone around me would have long been slashed into micro-shreds.

with poetic license

you call yourself my friend
making all your demands
you expect me to feel the same way you do
a textbook example of delusion/projection
i thought you would know me better
your astuteness and perception clearly doesn't extend into my heart
u state the obvious, then ask me again
you snipe at and tzut me in the most insidious way
then you insinuate that i need to change
well, perhaps i do, but what about you?

seriously, i'm exaggerating here
but i need to vent, because i just can't believe the selfishness.
you've had your turn,
confessing what you want
now it's my round, to offload my rants
i appreciate your honesty
i despise its divisiveness
what were you hoping to achieve,
except for me to say 'yes'?

well, it's not happening
so put those thoughts behind you
lay to rest the infatuation
you're looking at me glorified
as if in an airbrushed print
that's not the real me
and it's time to realize, to see clearly, to grasp the reality
i'm really not what you thought, or like to think

i may be acting puerile and selfish
forgive me, i've never confronted this species of enem-friend before
hitherto, those who've attacked me
and did it under the radar, were mere acquaintances
but now it's been perpetrated by you
you, of all people

so jealousy is something i wrestle, struggle, fight and bicker with
yet i seriously can't believe you would do this to me
have i misled you?
you suggest that i have
shouldn't you know from our years together
that this is what i am?
i know this is out of your character
so i'm hoping you'll recuperate
what a regret it would be
if this obliterated our bond

i've been graciously pardoned before
it's time i learnt to pass on the deed,
to reflect, display, extend and enact Christ's love
if i sound condescending here
it's because i'm looking southwards
i'm an intrinsically flawed person
and though i claim to follow God
i am weak, mean, nasty, petty and unforgiving
this is who i am,
i have emotions too

worthless nothingness

A faith that costs nothing and demands nothing is worth nothing
- Our Daily Bread

my as-yet-unburst bubble

of materialism

as of 6am this morning, i am 19.

Just the numbers on the page look so mature and advanced and...old. Maybe it's time to start thinking.

NOOoooOooooooo!!
My head hurts at the mere thought of the word <-- this in turn also causes me unspeakable pangs of agony

I got heaps of birthday presents today...none of which i disliked, which is great for me and the giver. The boomerang of realization hit me again 5 mins ago (if it hadn't I wouldn't be here right now..!! Maybe that would've been a good thing seeing as this slow, slight chronic sleep deprivation is sucking me dry of energy/vitality/enthusiasm/concentration for those things for which i really need it..i.e. uni).

It struck me that I'm still as addicted to beautiful objets d'art as i ever was.

raining down
pouring
thundering
crashing
washing over me
all these material embodiments (?? i think 'expressions' is more grammatically correct) of friendship on the dawning day of my 19th year

I'm so so thankful for all the mouth-gapingly gorgeous gifts i received the last two nights...and the bubbly joy i felt upon seeing these pleasing trinkets..And it strikes me- no, thumps me on the head- that i rarely feel this kind of enthusiasm and anticipation for God...why?

Obviously this kind of happiness is transient, fleeting, shallow and fickle...fading in a matter of weeks if not days. Yet i still depend on it like some kind of addict.

I so wish for that eternal satisfaction & comfort that i know can and will only ever be found in God. Lord, hear me!

Was scrounging around for a little vignette I wrote way-back-when in Year 10 I think it was, and I stumbled on a notebook from the same prehistoric era on which someone (Jason 'Lo Mo', I think) had kindly contributed “& Leon 4 eva” to decorate my austere title of “Lilian”.

Which brought me back to my recent reflections on my prolonged singledom (ahh...freedom and loneliness epitomized). I just realized with a mild shock that I’ve been a free agent for, what, more than 3 years now, a semi-pseudo-discontinued friendship/relationship notwithstanding.

I feel pretty spinster-ish right now, esp. given all the recent pairings-off popping up like summer dandelions everywhere around me...I'm surprised i havent been driven to extreme displays of desperation yet ("pleeeease, will u go out with me??? pretty gorgeous hot sexy please?).

Soon, soon.

but, I think God has someone prepared..what an too-oft-repeated cliche right? but i believe it's true, if that's what He wants for me. And anyway, i seriously havent really met anyone who's captured my attention for longer than 2 weeks in more than 2 years, so why bother with the time/effort/heart deserving of someone i really connect with?

>>What? How can you talk for that long?
>>I dunno
>>See? You are good together
>>What?! You say that about everyone!
>>No, I've only said that about_____
>>Nah...

or maybe I'm just trying to console myself

Lilian to Lilian: There there, it's ok, i'm sure there's someone out there in that wide wide world of male specimens who is just right for your teensy little collection..you just havent met him yet!
*under the breath* nor are u likely to anytime soon

Blood

i find it fascinating in a morbid kinda way...

gave blood at the Bourke St centre today, and it's the first time that they havent had trouble finding a vein to jab...wat a relief! Last time they stuck both my arms and did some nice, painful swiveling. ouch.

i think the only reason i'm queasy abt blood is cos of the pain association...cos i mean, i think nothing of M blood...so yeah. i esp hate that filmy appearance u get wen there's only a little bit of blood on a smooth surface..it somehow looks dirty & contaminated with all manner of viruses.

Actually, it was captivating to watch the clinically sterile-looking Kimal machine rocking the pouch in a gentle cradle, like some precious, vital newborn being lullabied off to sweet slumber.

viscous dark crimson, thick and rich.

to think that 20mins of this could provide 3 ppl with much-needed blood derivatives..i guess its worth the *slight* discomfort (!), to put it in a politically correct way. not to mention my spiralling haemoglobin count..15-->14-->12. eeek

apparently most every1 got called up last nite to give..i shda got calv and nate together, he booked an apptmt for 3..damn!

fed election tomolo...im still pretti muddled abt the whole process, very poor huh? i have the privilege to vote and I didnt even take the effort to work out wat exactly goes down.
every1's got their opinions...i feel like a taut rope yanked to full-tension in a tug-of-war..well at least they're not complacent abt it.

still undecided on my vote...Liberals with all their 'national security' spin for my (moral) values, or Labour with Latham's inexperience for an affordable education?
hmm....

moral standards?

or my own expediency?

vanity parties

wat is it with these formal events? They are so pointless and expensive and pretentious, yet soo much fun!?!?! I've been to, what, 3 or 4 recently? Wasted inordinate amounts of time shopping futilely for a dress, and never finding anything I like in the mind-numbingly monotonous shops around the city..

So in the end I think I ended buying only one top, and all the other events i pretty much rallied together what I had in my (and sis's!) wardrobe. very resourceful and kind to the wallet.

Ha! and I even got best dressed for wearing this fairy skirt that my sis bought at a primary school craft store about 8 years back, and it still fits! whoooaaaa....
well, it was only a small formal dinner event, 50 or so people I think. At least it had some purpose other than for us to get all dolled up and kill our retinal and ganglion bipolar-or-watever cells with constant digicam flashing..fundraising for Light FM 89.9!!

Then the other night had a friend's 21st...that was alrite as well, tho our table pretty much stayed where we were and waited for everyone else to come to us-it was mad! Played all these entertainingly inane games like finger tapping and took uncountable numbers of 'tongue' photos with Jennie..bizarre.

Think I'm really starting to enjoy these parties, surprisingly..dancing and yakking with ppl i usually don't see much, getting all high from just the vibe..the best fun in the world!

one second

is all it took....now i'm nearly $400 out of pocket.

stoopid careless me..
i was parking at church, and kept checking the RH side, so my left like bumped and grinded against some1's car..auntie elsie's it was. *sigh* i somehow managed to damage two of the panels, so now i'll be poor & hungry & foodless for the next few weeks.

and THEN, 2 days later (or was it 3?), i scraped the mailbox and drew these huge-ass ugly lines along the RH side of the car. this is really bad.

I don't wanna drive anymore!!!

But I think i need to do some serious self-reflection on why i'm so careless and un-budging in my faults...impatient? Definitely. Road rage? not so much anymore. cho sum dai yee? YES.

Better learn to drive properly before i dint and scratch the car into nothingness.. I'll probably be driving in nothing but the shell and the engine soon.